Emotional week

Ya'll!  I'm a mess today!!  I've been such an emotional wreck!  I think everything is just hitting me now. 

First and foremost, My mom.  She will be ok.  It's just going to be this recovery time that is hard.  She went into surgery with one thing in mind and, in the end, it was a completely different outcome.  So, she was in the MICU last night so that she could be observed closely.  So thankful! The staff is spot on and has been wonderful in helping anyway that they can!  She's good this morning.  The pain drugs are working.  She's able to doze enough to get some rest.  We are hoping that once the Dr. gets in to see her, that she can be moved to her own room.  If not today, then hopefully tomorrow!  She's on IV nutrition to give her stomach a complete rest. They will do a swallow test in 5 days to test for any leakage in her esophagus and/or stomach.  If there's not any, then hopefully she can come home. 

Next, my chemo.  I've really not been emotional through this.  I honestly just felt like "it is what it is" and that I'll work through it as it comes.  By God's Grace, I've just been calm and been able to work through things as they come up.  I really haven't stressed over it.  I've been so blessed by so many family and friends who just jumped with me and have been on this crazy adventure with me.  They have been my rock, my encouragers, my supporters, my posse, my sidekicks, and given me a kick in the butt when I needed it.  I would've had a completely different mind set if not for them!  But today, I think that it's just hit me that as of tomorrow, this is done.  I've won!  I've kicked this cancer in the ass!  It just hit me and I sat and cried today. 

I don't think of being done until my pump is off, but I don't have any more treatments scheduled.  After talking to my Oncologist yesterday, he feels like I'm doing GREAT and am healthy.  I have to keep my same schedule for blood draws and Dr. visits for a couple more rounds, but no more chemo days!  Wooohoooo!  I'll go to see the vampires and the Dr. as much as they want.  (Seriously, I already owe them $120,000+, what's a few more Dr. visits?!?!) 

Also, Cancer just sucks!  As I'm traveling this new road, I've met and know of so many amazing, wonderful people who are suffering through this horrible, stupid disease.  Every story is so different and it's so overwhelming to hear each one!  I just pray for each and every single person and their families and friends who are suffering with them!  Love them!  Love them!  Love them!

Be Brave!
Be Strong!
~Claire  :)

So, I'm off to visit mom during visitation hours, then to run some errands and get out of the house for a little bit.  Then going to enjoy this day to the fullest!!!

6 months {in a fog}

I don't really know where to start.  I still have so much to post and haven't kept up like I should or wanted to.  I guess it's never too late to start, so I'll make another vow to TRY to post more!  :)

Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!  WOOHOOOO!  I can't believe that it's been about 6 months since I started this journey!  It's been a definite roller coaster of events, emotions, and thoughts.  I'm not really sure where the time has gone.  I started on December 10th with my first chemo treatment.  Since then, Christmas happened, I've had a couple of scopes, a colonoscopy, another stay in the hospital (only 3 days this time), a pill cam, 11 rounds of chemo and pump, and a partridge in a pear tree.  I can't say that I really remember them.  It's amazing how I know that they all occured and they are on my calendar (and I'm definitely getting bills for them) but I hardly remember any of it.  I've really lived the last 6 months in a fog. 

I've slept through a lot of it!  Especially the first 6 treatments- when I was still on the Oxaliplatin- it made me tired and nauseous.  Since then, the nausea has subsided but the fatigue has increased.  I still need to nap most every day.  I like days that I don't take a nap, but I'm EX.HUSTED by 6pm.  So, those days are usually early bed times. 
But, even the time that I'm awake seems to be a fog.  Chemo brain maybe?  Just living through each uneventful day, maybe?  Not sure why it's such a foggy time.

I'm so happy that this week marks my 12th and last chemo.  Hopefully, forever, but I'm not counting on that.  I'll go tomorrow just like usual, get my bloodwork, see my Oncologist, get my treatment, and hook up to the pump.  The different thing tomorrow is that after I'm finished, instead of going straight home to rest, I'll be going upstairs in the hospital to see and check on my momma.  She has surgery tomorrow while I'm in chemo.  She's having surgery to remove a tumor on her esophagus and some polyps in her stomach.  We're hoping that she's only in the hospital for a few days.  Could be a week, but let's keep our fingers crossed.  So, this last chemo will be a little different because I'll be at the hospital some each day to visit her.  I'll have my chemo pump with me and will probably spend some time just sleeping in her room.  We'll see. 

What's next, you ask?  Well, I get to enjoy the summer.  I'm hoping that I won't be as fatigued all of the time.  But I think that I can rest on the beach as easily as I can rest at home!  :)  Hoping to get to a Braves game and to just enjoy the warm weather.  As for my medical stuff, I'll be referred back to my surgeon and will meet with him in the next couple of weeks.  He'll do an assessment and determine when I can have surgery to reconnect my guts!  WOOOOHOOOOOOO!  Ya'll won't be able to shut me up.  You'll probably know more about guts than you ever wanted to!  I can't WAIT!  According to my Oncologist, my surgeon usually waits about 8 weeks after the end of chemo before doing the reconnection.  That allows the chemo to run its course and get out of my system.  Any surgery with chemo in my system increases the risk of additional complications and infection.  Looking to have surgery sometime about the first of August-ish.  Then, as long as there's not any complications, I'll have an 8 week wound/surgery recovery.  That's it.  {as if it's been so easy!}

So,  here's to my last round of cocktails, mom's safe and successful surgery and recovery.  I hope all of you had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.  Please remember those who are serving, have served, and their families who sacrifice every single day so that we might enjoy our freedoms!

Be Strong!
Claire

**Matching toes for our big week!**

ohhh the places you'll go!

I've been thinking a lot this week about what I want to do when I grow up!  :)

I moved home to completely start over in August.  I was going to nanny for Thing 2 until I could get my feet on the ground here in Chattanooga.  Then, in October, BAM! I was diagnosed with this crazy disease! 

Now, I feel like I've completely lost track of this year.  I think I hibernated all winter.. almost literally!  My teacher friends have reached Spring Break and now are only weeks away from the end of school.  In my mind, I can't believe it isn't just the end of the FIRST semester!  I KNOW that they are so glad that it's almost over.  I know the feeling well and how long the school year is.  I just can't believe that it's already over-- as an onlooker.   I'm so happy for them, but a little freaked out for myself. 

When I jumped on this crazy roller coaster, it was just starting to get cold.  I don't even really remember the winter months.  I really did sleep through a lot of it.  Now, it's spring and this hibernating, gypsy soul is starting to come out.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel- as far as chemo treatments go.  I'm feeling closer to normal on the good weeks.  I'm trying to spend as much time as possible outside in the warm sun.  I'm starting to get restless.

So, I'm really starting to think about what it is I want to do when all of this is over.  I'm not sure that K-12 teaching is going to be a viable option for me any longer, so I'm trying to think out of the box.  I was blessed by my amazing, sweet sister friend, Laura, yesterday.  She has been taking me to lunch every good week since this started.  She has been such a support for me.  She happened to mention that she was starting a small business.  It's a shabby chic idea.  It's an idea I've had for myself.  So, stay tuned on that. 

I've started to think about starting a non-profit.  I really want to "pay it forward"!  While I'm so far in medical debt that I will probably be paying these bills for the rest of my life, I want to be able to help other young cancer patients in my shoes.  People have been so supportive.  I never imagined that people would/ could be so supportive of my situation and really wanting to help financially.  It has made all of the difference in the world for my recovery!  I know it's still going to be a long road, but I'm forever grateful!!    Now.... the only problem.... I have NO idea how to start a non-profit or where to even put my thought process.  HAHAHAHA!    I will be picking the brains of people who have worked in that area! 

What else?  I will try to get settled here in Chattanooga.  Save some money.  Get my own place (I cannot WAIT!), make friends, learn my way around (a lot has changed in 20 years) and re-build a life. 

This adventure is just beginning and I'm excited to see where it leads!! 

Testing for polyps

I'm so proud of my friends who have gotten a colonoscopy recently.  Not all of them are because of me, but I'm still proud none the less.  The idea of a colonoscopy gets so blown out of proportion because of what it is, where it is, and the prep itself.  Really people, GET OVER YOURSELVES and go get checked.  If you have any family history or personal history of any type of issues, get checked no later than 40.  If you don't have any history at all, then they say you're good til 50. 

I wouldn't have caught mine in time if I'd waited that long.  The silver lining is that I got sick.  So, if you have any symptoms, go get checked.  It's better safe than sorry! 



 So, to all of you who go get checked, you deserve some skittles!!  :)

I *heart* my tennis shoes!

Those that know me well, know that I love shoes!  I love flip flops, flats, pumps, boots, wedges, sandals, sneakers.... I love them ALL!  I can't own enough shoes!  My closet is normally full of all kinds of shoes.  For now, though, most of them are packed up in storage.  When I packed up my house, I didn't pack for this long period of time away from my things.  HA!  I would've packed completely different if I had known I was going to get sick and not have my own real space by now!  Oh well! 

This week was chemo #9!!  I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Dear God, don't let it be the train!!!  So, I've spent my days sleeping and today mom and I went out and spent a girls morning/afternoon at the flower show and antique shopping.  I felt like I was walking on air today.  The sun was out, the weather was warm, and I felt like being out for the first time in days!  When I was leaving to meet my mom, I just threw my shoes on.  It was a toss up between flip flops and tennis shoes.  I opted out of flip flops because I'm not flip flop polished or ready to go in a moments notice. 

So, as we were walking around the flower show, I had a moment of realization that I was so glad to be wearing tennis shoes and not wearing slippers around the house!  It gave me a much needed boost! A pep in my step that I haven't noticed a lot lately.  It means I wasn't in my pjs anymore this week- not stuck in bed because I'm too dang tired to do anything!    It means that I wasn't schleping out into the yard with my hair all CRAZY, sticking up from sleeping.  It meant that I was out and about, enjoying this day and the Chattanooga community! 

Today, I love my tennis shoes!

Now... to go try to find my boots!!! 

Well, poop!!!

This post might be TMI for some people.  But it's my reality, so sometimes I will talk about different things.  I found this picture: 

This is what I will post at the beginning of any post that might contain TMI for some people.  I think I need a name for this guy.  Any suggestions???

 

 

So, ya'll know I LOVE my nephews.  They are such a joy to me!!  I'm so thankful for them during the last 5 months!!! 

 

The other day, I was playing with both of them and I smelled poop.  I had to laugh because I wasn't sure if it was one of them or ME!!!  I feel so much like Thing 2 most days.  He's 10 months old and we mostly worry about his eating, his pooping, and his sleeping.  Those are the main things I worry about these days too!  HA!     

 

 This whole ostomy thing ...... well, I hate it!  I hate always having the fear that there will be a leak.  I hate having to change it regularly!  (I have to change it every 4-7 days)  Whenever I roll over during the night, I hate constantly having to feel my ostomy to make sure it's not full.  Sometimes it's so full of air, it'll pop.  REALLY?!  Are you freakin' kidding me?!?!  Yep, so I have explosive poop-- just like Lil L.  It sucks to have to change your sheets in the middle of the night!! 

 

I've learned a lot about how my guts work throughout the day.  Did you know that sucking on a mint puts a lot of air in your guts?  I didn't either until I had to deal with it directly!!!  I know more than I want to know about air in my guts!!! 

 

Showering is another thing I have to think about now.  The only time I feel perfectly normal is when I can shower without the ostomy bag.  I always shower right before I put on a new bag.  That's when I have the chance to clean my stoma, check the skin around it and make sure it's not breaking down, and really try to get all of the medical tape off of my stomach!!  I can shower with the ostomy bag on and do often.  It just isn't a normal experience.  Think about hanging a ziploc bag on your stomach with super strong medical tape.  Yep, fun times!!

 

I thought about it tonight that, originally, I wasn't supposed to have an Ostomy.  The original plan was to remove the tumor and reconnect my intestine.  Well, because one side was normal size and the other size was SO swollen, they weren't the same size and couldn't be reconnected. 

 

I have learned though, just how many people have ostomies for their whole life!  It's amazing.  I guarantee that you probably know someone who has a permanent ostomy and you don't even know it.  It really is amazing!  I mean, as much as I hate it, if I didn't have it what would I do?  What did people do before them? 

 

So, little plastic bag on my stomach, I hate that I have to think about you so much.  But I guess I'm really thankful that you're there!!





Fakin' it!

It's been a while since I have updated this blog.  I need to get busy and try to post something at least once a week.  Add it to my to do list!

I've been struck lately about how normal I feel during my off weeks.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm tried.  A LOT!  I usually sleep at least 8 hours at night and I have to take a nap each day to function. And, typically, I'm tired after going out and about for a few hours.  BUT, it seems like I'm not as nausous as I was before.  They have  discontinued one of the chemo drugs, Oxyliplatin, so I think that might be helping. 

I just feel like when I see people and talk to people, they will be thinking that I'm faking all of this.  HA!  I know how crazy that sounds when it comes out of my mouth.  My best friend, Kim, put it best this week:
"So people think you're faking it?  Yep, you're a good faker with 15 days in the hospital, a huge scar on your stomach, an ostomy bag hanging on your side, and your hair falling out."  It's nice to have friends who put it all in perspective. 

People have also asked about how I stay so positive.  Some days I have to fake it til I make it.  But most of the time, I just have the idea that this is a temporary delay and I have to work through it.  I feel so fortunate to have the doctors and support staff that I do.  They are amazingly positive for me.  So, that really helps.  I do worry about what the chemo is doing to my body long term.  But that is something that I'll have to deal with as it comes too.  I'm just really of the mindset that things will work out the way they are supposed to-- as long as I continue to work through them. 

I'm incredibly blessed by my family and my AMAZING circle of friends.  I feel especially blessed this week.  I've had the opportunity to SEE some friends who don't live here.  And the opportunity to talk to others.  I got a very sweet, special flower delivery from an amazing friend.  I got a couple packages full of fun goodies.  I get to have lunch with a sweet friend and her little girl today! 

So, know that so far, I am doing ok.  Off weeks are great.  But I pretty much sleep through my chemo weeks.  You won't hear much from me and I don't really get out of bed.  I realize now, those are the things that most people don't see. 

Life is So much bigger....

Ok, so I'm sitting here, drinking my coffee, still in my PJs.  It's 11:30 and I'm waiting on Things 1 & 2 to get here.  I guess I should get dressed before they get here and life gets busy. 

I was just struck by the enourmity of my life and how small I am in it.  It's so much bigger than just me.  Is it possible for your own life to be bigger than you????  But, I'm just thinking about all that has happened the last year.  For the first time, I can really see how your own life can spin out of control without you having the ability to do anything about it.  I've always been very independent!  And I am proud of that!  I've made things happen and if they didn't, well, then maybe I didn't work hard enough for it.  But then this year, 2 people said some things about me that weren't true and continue to do so.  But, even though I didn't do anything wrong and people know I didn't, these 2 people have been able to change my life indefinitely.  I'm NOT in control!  How crazy is THAT?!?!!!! 

 

Once a worrier, now a warrior!!!

It's been too long since I've written and I have lots to share.  But will be breaking it up over the next few days.  It's late, I can't sleep, but know I should be trying instead of typing!

It's Tuesday/ Wednesday and it's already been an incredibly long week!!!  It's been a long month! 

And I try to be all catchy with my titles.  I'm still a worrier.  You can't take that out of the girl!  But I'm proud to now see myself as a "warrior" and a fighter.  I even have scars to prove it.  This horrible thing is helping me grow as a person and helping me to step outside of my comfort zone and really examine what it is that's important to me! 

I will be (hopefully) posting some info about other warriors here as well.  I want to be able to highlight others who are fighting this fight for themselves or their loved ones.  We are all fighting this monster, but all have very different stories.  From meds, to hospital stays, to doctors visits, to prognosis, to scary and funny experiences!!  I got a shout out on the "Cure the Blue Ribbon of Colon Cancer" FB page asking for people's stories, but I think people think it's sketchy or something.  No one has shared with me.  I'll keep trying.

In the last month, Mark Clark, who went to UT with me and who has stepped up an amazing game to help me raise money for my medical expenses (he got people to sponsor him for my 5K run, in addition to so much other support), lost his own brother to colon cancer.  Ben fought this monster for a very long time.  He fought hard and fought brave.  I'm excited about getting to at least share his story and to show what a true hero and warrior looks like!!! 

Last, for this late night post.  I realize that I became a warrior when I was diagnosed with colon cancer last October 31st. The kick-ass and take names girl showed herself, has hung her hat and left her boots.  I think she'll be here for a while and for that I will always be grateful!  But in the last 2 days, two very precious families have lost children.  Both children under 22.  I just feel like part of my fight is now for them.  They didn't have colon cancer but both were medically related.  I hear this voice in  my head saying that my fight isn't just about myself anymore. I'm in a place where I can try to help others, even while I fight this demon inside my guts!  :)  I'm not sure where this will take me.  I have some fun and exciting ideas, but we shall see where God leads. 


Be Strong!
CC  :)

Chemo/ Ostomy Q&A

My friends are amazing!  They support me and love me and encourage me.  They make me laugh!  I've had so many conversations with people about cancer and some have been afraid to ask questions, while others just jump right in with the questions.  I can't speak for anyone but me.  But talking about cancer and my circumstances is therapeutic.  It keeps me from just having it bottled up inside.  I thought I'd share some of the questions and give some perspective.  Again, it is only MY perspective.  I'm not a doctor. I don't know what the right answers are.  I only know what my answers are.

How did you know you were sick?  I didn't really.  I thought I was constipated and crampy.  Then one night I couldn't hold anything down.  Jodie talked me into going to the ER.  I thought they'd pat me on the head, give me a prescrip, and send me home.  Not so much! 

What can you eat?  I can eat whatever I want.  I'm not on any kind of dietary restrictions.  In fact, here's a silver lining- they want me to eat whatever I want- in order to keep my caloric intake up!  Woohoo!   I typically don't eat the 48 hours following my chemo pump because I'm sleeping.  So, I stock up on Gatorade and Ensure. 

Can you drink?  Yep, again, I can have anything I want.  I've had a couple of drinks since starting chemo but 1. I'm totally a super light weight these days and 2. it doesn't appeal to me so much.  Of course, the docs recommend that I stay away from it.  But that's for overall health anyway. 

Do you feel sick?  I only feel sick when I get my chemo pump off.  I go for treatments on Tuesday and then get a pump put on.  I wear the pump for 46 hours and then get to go back and get it off on Thursday.  Most people tend to get sick while wearing the pump.  I'm tired during those days.  Once I get the pump off, that's when I get sick.  But the nausea meds are good  :) 

Can I see your scar?  Yep!  I have no reservations about sharing my scar.  I consider it my war wound.  It runs from my belly button to my breast bone.  I also have an ostomy bag.  That's a whole different story!  But once I get it reversed, I'll have a small scar there too.

Do you have an ostomy bag?  Yep.  It's my least favorite part of this whole adventure.  There's nothing good about it.  Well, besides the whole "living through colon cancer and needing to let my guts heal for a while" thing.  My bag is temporary.  Depending on the severity of cancer, size and location of the tumor, etc, some people require them permentantly. 

What's it like to have an ostomy bag?  Well, to me, not fun.  But doable.  It's really like having a hole in your stomach that poop comes out of.  Sometimes I can feel it and other times not so much.  Sometimes it fills up with air and I just have to empty that before it leaks.  (Yes!  If it leaks, it's leaking poop!)  I usually have to empty it 2-3 times per day.  Some days more, some days less.   There are ways to protect your skin to keep from getting poop burns- they are no fun!  Hard to imagine, I know!  :)  
There are lots of different styles of ostomy bags.  Each person has to try until they find the best "fit" for them.  I use a 2 piece bag.  The bottom sticks to my stomach and then the bag snaps on like a tupperware lid.  I have to change the whole thing every 7 days or so. 

Can you shower with the ostomy bag?  Yes I can!  Thank goodness.  It's a God send to me! 

How long do you have to have the ostomy bag?  I have to have mine until I finish chemo.  Originally, it was only going to be for 8 weeks.  When I had surgery to remove my tumor, they couldn't reconnect my colon because one side was so distended and swollen.  So, they did the ostomy to let my guts rest and return to regular size.  Meanwhile, the surgeon and oncologist discussed the prognosis.  They really felt like we needed to take full advantage of starting chemo during the prime window for preventing any spreading of cancer.  So, I started chemo.  My surgeon won't do the reversal during chemo because it's such major surgery and he doesn't want to increase the chances of infection.  So, instead of 8 weeks, it's going to be 8 months.

"I can't complain to you....... You've got cancer so I've got nothing to complain about...."  I totally appreciate this sentiment and if things were reversed, I'd think the same thing.  But NOT TRUE!  So, guess what, I've got cancer.  And, I'm going through chemo.  That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to have a horrible, no good, very bad day!  You're allowed to vent about it too!  Really!  It's not normal for you not to tell me about your good days, crappy days, happy days, crazy days.  I also see it as apples and oranges.  Me having cancer and you having a crazy day- 2 totally different things!  PLEASE vent to me and keep telling me about your days- good and bad!!!

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Since this is a blog about my life, it's sure to include my favorite people!  Two such people are my nephews.  They are precious- even though I'm biased.  I love them more than I ever thought possible!!

Because this is a public blog, I will only refer to them by their first initial.  I just think it's the safest way to refer to them.  I got the idea from a friend who refers to her own children that way and it seems to work well.  But I may also refer to them as Thing 1 and Thing 2.  My older nephew, A, is in LOVE with Cat in the Hat.  But recently has developed a fascination with Things 1 & 2.  So, in his honor, that may be his nickname here. 

As I sit and write this, A (Thing1) is singing along to a Cat in the Hat movie.  I love his sweet spirit and little voice.  He loves coming to Mimi and Papas house.  Of course, Mimi and Papa let him do what he wants to most of the time.  It's been sometimes confusing to him because I (Cici) have lived at both my brother's house and my parents' house.  He sees me in both places and you can see the wheels turning as to where I belong!  He's just precious!!! 

Little L (Thing2) is my buddy!  Truly!  When I moved to Chattanooga, we worked it out that I'd keep him instead of sending him to daycare.  That only lasted 2 weeks, but he won my heart for sure. His smile is contagious and he's so good natured.  He's going to grow up to be a hunk of a kid with red hair (at least so far).  He just turned 9 months old and I can't wait to see his personality really develop as he starts to be mobile and talk. 

There may be a time where I include pictures.  We shall see. 

I wanted to write about them today because I got to nap with both of these boys today and it was such a precious time.  When I put him in his bed, Thing 1 proudly showed me where he'd colored on the sheets last time he was here.  He was so unapologetic and so proud of his handywork.  I couldn't help but be pleased for him.  Besides, it's a sheet.  If it's got pen scribble on it, will it keep him from sleeping?  No!  In fact, he can go to bed knowing that we love his creativity!!  Thing 2 is still small enough to nap in the big bed with Cici without being able to get out.  He talks himself to sleep- but almost as if he's scolding you for making him go to sleep. 

As must as they fight it, it's obvious how much both boys love naptime!  Much like Cici!!!

Love Yourself today!

Yesterday was a day to take care and spoil the ones you love.  Today is the day to take care of yourself!!  (And it's half price candy day!  Woohoo!)

What can you do to take care of yourself today??  I've done a lot of reading over the last several months and I've chosen books that are sassy, smart assy, and really smart!  Some of the reoccuring themes is Take Care of You!  It makes total sense but I don't think we do it enough.  I never have! 

But I'm changing my tune!!

How about going and doing something that you love?  Being outside in the sunshine or (if it's not nice and sunny where you are today) order in your favorite meal and enjoy a day of relaxing?  Both sound incredible to me!!  What about writing a note to someone you've been meaning to reconnect with.  It'll get rid of it hanging over your head and who doesn't love getting mail in return?!?! 

How about sitting down and making a list of meals you can make for your family?  It'll be a healthy change for your diet and save you some money that can go for a new vaca!!  This is one of my goals.  I've been researching how to eat a healthier diet- and still make it easy on myself!  I'm not going to go crazy and quit eating anything that I like- maybe just readjust the amounts. 

Call the doctor and make the appointment that you've been putting off.  I want every single one of you to talk to your doctor about your health.  If you haven't thought about a colonoscopy, at least talk to your doctor about it.  Take it from me- Remember that I just had 3 colonoscopies in 3 days- they are NOT a big deal.  The prep and the hype before hand is the worst part.  Just get the prep, sike yourself up for a day of a liquid diet and DO IT!!  It's so worth a convo with your doctor.  Since I was diagnosed last October, I've heard more and more stories of young people (under 40) being diagnosed with various types of cancer.  If you're blood tests come back normal and your doc says you don't have any red flags, you move along with buying all the half price candy.  If something comes back funny, then you deal with it and STILL get to go get the half price candy! 

Don't let it be scary.  Take control of what's going on! 

I'm off to go enjoy the sunny day and do things that I want to get accomplished for myself!  Spend this long weekend doing things to take care of YOU!!  It's my challenge for you!  Post and let me know what you're doing!! 

~Claire

Color runs

Many of my friends are participating in 5Ks- in their local communities, at Disney World, at the beach.... all in the name of getting healthy and motiviated and giving back to charities they support.  My amazing friends even held a 5K in my honor last month.  I've never run in a 5K!  My friend, Robert, always said, "If I'm running, you better stop and pick me up because someone's chasing me!"  That's pretty much summed up my running philosophy. 

But lately, I've wanted to jump on the bandwagon.  I love the idea of being able to get involved in the Monster runs -- bootcamp type courses, drinking, and hanging with your new 1000 friends.  But, let's not kid-- I wouldn't make it through those courses, at least not in the required time.  The parking lot would be empty by the time I finished and I'd miss the drinking.  HA! 

Here is my new way to get involved and be a part of this trend without killing myself!!  I saw it online today and had to share!  If there's a color run near you, definitely check it out!  There are so many being planned now that you can pick one or two... or five and support organizations in your local community! 

http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2013/feb/12/charitable-5k-color-runs-turn-people-into-organic/?entertainmentlifeentertainment

**And I need to shout out to all of my peeps who attended the Cocoa Loco in Cumming, GA!  What an amazing day that was and I thank you so much for traveling from other states to come spend the day supporting my fight!  I love you all!!!

Home is Home

"Home is Home." That's what a good friend told me years ago when I was trying to figure out whether I wanted to stay in Atlanta or come back to East Tennessee. I missed East Tennessee  and my family terribly, but didn't feel like I'd done all that I needed to do before I moved back home.  At the end of 9 years, it wasn't much of a choice to come back.  I didn't have much of a choice.  I thought I'd come back here, live with Matt and his family for a little while, and get back on my feet.  Well, of course, there was a different plan for my life adventure.  After being in the hospital, it made more sense for me to move home with mom and dad until I get through chemo and can have my colostomy reversed.  The set up is just better and I'm not interfering with all that Matt and Jodie have to do with the boys.  My dad is home and can help run me around if need be.  And, my mom is very lucky and gets to retire at the end of this month!  She's so excited to be able to be home and will be a great help with my continued treatments and recovery. 

I think, by the end of my time here, I will have plenty of things to write in a book..... not about cancer.... but about moving back in with your parents after being gone for 20 years!!!  HA!  We are definitely experiencing some growing pains and getting adjusted to living under the same roof again!  I often times feel like I'm 12 or 15 again.  This has been an internal struggle for me because I've always been fiercely independent. 

But the purpose of this post is to say how glad I am to be back in Chattanooga.  For years and years, I said that I would never move back here.  I would be willing to move back to Knoxville (which I consider home.  I lived in Knoxville longer than I've ever lived anywhere else.) Or even to Nashville.  But never Chattanooga.  What a change of heart I've had!  First, my brother started having babies.  Super CUTE babies!  Growing up, our family was spread all over the country.  So, having family close is important to me since we didn't really have that.  But in addition to that, I've started to see the beauty in this city over the last few months.  It is a true southern town and has so much to offer and to do.  So, as I learn my way around the city again, I keep hearing "Home is home" and it's good to be home!!! 

Courage

It's Monday!  Find your courage for all things that come your way this week! 

Amazing News!!!

I got a call from my GI doctor yesterday.  He left a message and shared that all of my polyps that were sent for biopsy came back benign!  GOD IS GOOD ALWAYS!  He does answer prayers.  He let me have peace of mind even when I was sure one had cancer.  I was ready for the news and ready to tackle it head on.  But He didn't want me to have to.  What amazing news!  I'm so thankful!

Just another day in paradise.....

So, ya'll know that I ended up in the hospital.  Monday, after they finished my colonoscopy, I found blood in my ostomy bag.  I called the Dr. on call and he said if I see any more than a tablespoon, it's too much.  Oh.... well.... so a bag full might be too much???  His words were "I'll call ahead to the ER and tell them you're on your way." I said, "Do you really think I need to go?"  He said 3 different times that he would call ahead to tell them I was coming!  Ok, so, I guess I'm going to the ER! 

The ER really is quite a crazy place.  People were so obviously sick and I felt like an imposter being there.  I didn't feel the least bit sick.  And then, felt bad again, when I got called back long before they did.  Mom and I were talking and laughing.  I am SUCH A FAKE!  :)   The ER was so backed up.  I got put in a room with only an old rickety dentist's chair. HA!  After about an hr and a half, I got put in a "real" ER room with a bed and TV, but the adjuster on the bed didn't work and neither did the TV changer.  HA!  I stayed there until they found me a room at 2AM!!!  UGH!  So, I got settled by 2:30 and started the prep for another colonoscopy so they could figure out where the blood was coming from.  I chugged the prep from 2:30 to 4 when they told me I couldn't have anything else- in order to be ready for the procedure.  Hmmm.... Let's see, if I'm not cleaned out, I won't be ready for the prep anyway.  But the nurse took it and said she thought I'd be good. 

Everyone was so confused by the doctor's orders, or lack there of.  There wasn't an order for the colonoscopy because the GI Dr. in the ER wanted to wait and see what my blood levels were in the AM and to see if the bleeding continued.  He would decide in the AM after talking to my GI Dr.  But there was an order for a prep.  ...... hence the confusion! 

My delicious dessert of prep:

I chugged as much as I could.  I got 6 cups down. 

The whole stay continued to be a comedy of errors!  I was put on the Cardiac floor.  I'm assuming that it was just an open room, since I wasn't having cardiac issues.  But they insisted that I wear a heart monitor.  I told the admitting nurse that I'd never had to wear one before, but she insisted that it was normal and "Oh, Yes!" she said.  So, I had to wear a stupid heart monitor the whole time.  Here's the kicker:  I don't think it was ever really on.  It fell out of the pocket one time and the cords pulled out.  I picked it back up and set it on the bed for a few minutes.  I did plug it back in, but no one ever came to check on me.  No alarms went off.  Nothing!  I was con'ed!!  :)  Attached to wires everywhere. 

 

When I was allowed to eat and not NPO, I was on a liquid diet.  I have to admit that I cheered when this came in.  I cheered for this!!!  Broth and jello.  Really??!!! 

 



 

So, what I thought would be an overnight stay turned into 3 days.  I am so glad to get home!!  I got to veg today and stayed in my PJs until noon!  Loved every minute of my day at home! 

 



Bring it!

I think this little guy is great and so fitting for the way I feel today!  (And I can't wait to get to the beach sometime!)

Thanks, Fresh Prince!

Like a lot of my friends, I grew up watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  I LOVED it!  I love it now in reruns.  It makes me laugh everytime.  So, I often catch myself humming the catchy little tune.  Today, as I was trying to nap, it popped into my head. 

As the words ran through my mind, I was struck by the opening verse and how much it applies to my life now. 

"This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.  I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there.  I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air." 

Colon cancer and the effects of tumor removal have flipped my life upside down in the last 3 months.  I went today to finish the colonoscopy that they tried to start in the hospital.  In the hospital, they only got as far as the first turn and BAM! a tumor blocking the whole intestine!  So, now that it's been removed and my guts have had time to heal, it's time to finish that baby up. 

Well, today they found 8 more polyps.  In case you don't know, that's a BUNCH!  It's a truck load.  1 in particular has my GI doctor quite concerned.  Of course, he won't say much except that it's got to be sent away for testing.  Well, that's never good when your doctor won't directly answer your questions.  It means "I have a horrible feeling but I won't tell you now." He was just very casual. 

Now.... up until this point, I've really taken everything with a grain of salt.  Thought I was going to the ER for a couple hours to get checked out.......Ended up being admitted and staying 15 days.  Tumor completely blocking the colon, had to come out regardless.......Wake up to find an ostomy bag and an open incision from my belly button to my breast bone.  Cancer staged at IIIB......Need to be pretty aggressive to beat it.  Colostomy bag only going to be temporary for 8 weeks until my guts can heal.......don't want to miss the prime window for chemo so reversal will have to wait 8 months until chemo is done. 

I've, honestly, been ok with every single conversation and decision thus far!  Really!  I'm not saying they made me happy but I was honestly ok.  Today, with the news that there could be more cancer, the fears and what if's are trying to creep in.  But it also makes me realize that there's a lot of fighting left for me to do. 

I kinda thought I might coast through this, but God wants to use me with this.  I'm just not sure how. Not sure how to help other people and pay forward all that the support and encouragement that I've gotten from amazing friends. I really don't know where to start. My hope is that this will maybe be a start.  A place for people to come together and support one another!  I'll, of course, post other things going on in my crazy life.  It's just that now my life has been rearranged!